Monday, July 13, 2009
Sad! Sad? He asks me why I'm sad. Why is any person ever sad? How the hell should I know. It's just a feeling that takes over. It has a mind of its own, I can't control it. And when it decides to leave, it does, and that's all there is to it.
He always wants to know, though, why it is that I'm sad. How can I explain it? He thinks it's something that he did. He can be so self-centered. Sometimes my emotions have nothing to do with him at all; he has a problem accepting that. How can I show him that despite everything, there is a big part of me that has nothing to do with him. There is a part of me that will always be me, nevermind the circumstances in my life. But he wants to understand. The thing is I cannot explain it to him because I don't understand myself. I don't know why I'm sad, I just am. I don't know why I want to cry, but the tears just stream down my face. How can I make you happy? he asks. I don't know. I guess deep down inside there is a little piece of me that is incredibly sad. I don't know what triggers it (and it isn't hormones either). It's just a part that has always been with me, and probably will always stick around. I cannot make it go away and I cannot change it, because I can't control it.
Why are you sad? he continues, pressuring me for a reply. Does he know, I wonder, that I wish I knew. I wish I had the answer, for my own sake, but I don't. I'm just sad. Very sad. Deep down inside. Just sad. And I don't think I will ever be happy there.